A new sub's journey


He made me feel like i was enough.

And then He made me feel like i was too much.

And it’s over in a moment.



The other night something happened. A door I didn’t know existed, covered in cobwebs and shadow, got cracked open. And I’m scared to peek further inside. We were playing and as we began he asked/told me to call him daddy. At first it was exciting and sexy because it was new – a form of role-playing in my mind. But then it wasn’t. I transitioned into it deeply. And I had a hard time transitioning out after. My mentor says I need to let that door open. I never got to experience girly affection and youthful promiscuity, never had that feeling of being protected by another. I am scared for 2 reasons. 1) If that is an aspect of myself it is completely foreign territory that I’ve never even considered exploring. I am clueless. But then again, I’ve had to be an “adult” since I was around 8-10. 2) I am already too attached to this man and I think this will make that even more so, to the point I will find it painfully difficult to detach. I’m so confused.

What I Want To Say…

I crave your presence. I try to distract myself with busyness, with friends, with a multitude of everything else.

But it is always there, the constant ache, the nagging hunger that cannot be filled by anything else.

There is nothing so delicious, so fulfilling, so intoxicating as you. I can’t get enough, I am forever wishing for more. Even when my mind and body and strength are spent, I ache to be able to give you more of me. I am driven to return to you all you give to me, and I constantly come up short in my eyes. 

If I had known how addictive your presence would be, would I have taken that first taste? It’s too late to wonder now. I am ruined and I don’t regret it.

The Beast

my play partner (my FWB, the Dom i am secretly in love with because i am too afraid to ask for more and lose what i have) is a beast. Tall, broad, strong jaw, heavy brow, big hands, big EVERYTHING. If i ever saw Him truly angry it would scare the hell outta me. When W/we play he gets very intense; i swear He grows 2 more feet. He teases me about fisting being on my “curious about” list because i look at His hands, the same hands that can plant a mark across an entire (not petite) ass cheek at once, and i turn pale. 

Then He smiles this devilish, teasing grin and i think to myself “i am going to have my heart broken, but this moment is worth it.”

Catching Up…

My divorce should be final this week. I have packed this weekend full of activities with friends and my almost-adult children, not to be distractions but to remind me that I have a life on the other side of this situation. Imagine just for a moment that you have been separated for a year but because of financial constraints you have had to continue to live together… and will continue to live together as a divorced couple until the house you co-own sells. Yeah… Still here… I will say that we are as amicable and cooperative as we can be. His passive-aggressive attacks are rare now; he has begun to move on finally.

I still write a daily positivity report to Domly Dom and he comments a few days a week but that’s it. It saddens me a little that the healthier I’ve become in my thoughts and the more I’ve become confident in who I am and what I want to be as a submissive the less he is engaged. Perhaps he only likes the broken ones, or at least the challenge of fixing them. I think he is a strong, honest, intelligent Dom and I saw him as someone I would willingly kneel before. But it’s not to be.

The Cowboy and I continue to be good friends. He has let me cry in his shoulder a few times as I walked thru this final process.

Spanky… He’s the real problem. We play almost every week. We text each other daily. He’s direct and honest and at moments when he thinks no one is looking he is sweet. I agreed to just be play partners when this started… I’m scared shitless to tell him I would like to be more, because I could lose what I have now – and he is content with it. My heart doesn’t seem to understand that. 

Rather than play catchup today I will save that for another time. But I have been trying to put some thoughts together, and would like to share them: 

I have learned more about myself in these past several years than the 40 before. Accepting and embracing my desire to submit, serve and give myself to another has impacted me in both devastating and life-affirming ways. It resulted in closing a chapter in my life I was not expecting to ever close – but in retrospect should have been a very long time ago. It also left me reflecting deeply on what I want and need in a partner/Dom.

I don’t want a nice, neat bowl of vanilla security. I had that and I was unbearably unhappy. I could have that again in a minute if I wanted it. I want a passionate, messy, can-I-really-love-anyone-this-scary-much relationship where the “security” is intricately woven into a constant hunger for one another’s being. That doesn’t mean I want to be glued to someone’s hip 24/7. But it does mean being a significant part of each other’s lives – and wanting to be.

I understand there are those who feel that a D/s relationship should be a separate issue from love. I can’t do that. In order for me to be someone’s sub I need to be able to rely on them for emotional strength. I need to be able to invest my heart and know it is going to be cared for at the same level the rest of me is. My heart flows out of my service and submission. And I need to receive a return on that investment.

I don’t want to be needed. I want to be wanted, all of me, the real me. And as much as I know I can take care of myself, I need Someone to pour myself out on, to, for. There is a struggle constantly within me between fear that I may never know this passionate, messy love that I crave and hope that my Master is waiting in the next chapter.  


A Great Year So Far

So here we are 6 weeks into 2015! Let me catch you up to date:

Domly Dom is still in the picture and still my favorite. He is my mentor and coach, but too far away to play. There’s so much to like about him. I’m still hoping when my separation is final he will ramp it up. He’s given me freedom to have 2 orgasms a week as I chose. He also has me create a short list each week of things to accomplish as part of moving forward on my separation and being on my own.

The Cowboy and I enjoy a great friendship. I tell him everything – everything. I told him he is the only person I’ve never lied to about anything and it’s true. He’s so handsome, deep voice, blue eyes, great hugs, and since he tells me how he likes to play I’m pretty sure he’s great there too. We meet for lunch or coffee at least every other week, often enough the waiter automatically brings me coffee when she sees us now. His primary sub is planning to move this summer and he agreed not to play with others until then. But that’s ok, because…

Spanky Dom is here! Yes, a new player and yes we play! Domly Dom encouraged it in fact, either to help me keep moving forward or to keep me from exploding. The first time was spontaneous while I was visiting him for a more platonic reason. He started teasing me with a spanking and I kinda let myself go with it. We’ve played 3 times now and it’s hot. He is rough, demanding, he bites, he spanks hard, he binds me and uses toys, fucks hard, throws me around the bed if he wants a different position – then wraps me in these huge arms and holds me close for an hour. During the week he texts me several times a day friendly msgs and asking how my day is going. I’m liking the attention.

Let’s not forget the one 2,100 miles away who pops in about every 3 weeks asking if I’m ready to come visit… I still like him and that could be quite an adventure!

All of this sounds like I’m happy with casual play and attention where ever I can get it. That’s not entirely true. It is still my deepest desire to find a Master who wants me for His own. My physical needs are being met, my need to feel desired is being met, my need for guidance and discipline and submission is being met – just at the minimum levels and by different people. But I still believe my King is out there.