The Beast

my play partner (my FWB, the Dom i am secretly in love with because i am too afraid to ask for more and lose what i have) is a beast. Tall, broad, strong jaw, heavy brow, big hands, big EVERYTHING. If i ever saw Him truly angry it would scare the hell outta me. When W/we play he gets very intense; i swear He grows 2 more feet. He teases me about fisting being on my “curious about” list because i look at His hands, the same hands that can plant a mark across an entire (not petite) ass cheek at once, and i turn pale. 

Then He smiles this devilish, teasing grin and i think to myself “i am going to have my heart broken, but this moment is worth it.”

Catching Up…

My divorce should be final this week. I have packed this weekend full of activities with friends and my almost-adult children, not to be distractions but to remind me that I have a life on the other side of this situation. Imagine just for a moment that you have been separated for a year but because of financial constraints you have had to continue to live together… and will continue to live together as a divorced couple until the house you co-own sells. Yeah… Still here… I will say that we are as amicable and cooperative as we can be. His passive-aggressive attacks are rare now; he has begun to move on finally.

I still write a daily positivity report to Domly Dom and he comments a few days a week but that’s it. It saddens me a little that the healthier I’ve become in my thoughts and the more I’ve become confident in who I am and what I want to be as a submissive the less he is engaged. Perhaps he only likes the broken ones, or at least the challenge of fixing them. I think he is a strong, honest, intelligent Dom and I saw him as someone I would willingly kneel before. But it’s not to be.

The Cowboy and I continue to be good friends. He has let me cry in his shoulder a few times as I walked thru this final process.

Spanky… He’s the real problem. We play almost every week. We text each other daily. He’s direct and honest and at moments when he thinks no one is looking he is sweet. I agreed to just be play partners when this started… I’m scared shitless to tell him I would like to be more, because I could lose what I have now – and he is content with it. My heart doesn’t seem to understand that. 

It’s Been A While…

Rather than play catchup today I will save that for another time. But I have been trying to put some thoughts together, and would like to share them: 

I have learned more about myself in these past several years than the 40 before. Accepting and embracing my desire to submit, serve and give myself to another has impacted me in both devastating and life-affirming ways. It resulted in closing a chapter in my life I was not expecting to ever close – but in retrospect should have been a very long time ago. It also left me reflecting deeply on what I want and need in a partner/Dom.

I don’t want a nice, neat bowl of vanilla security. I had that and I was unbearably unhappy. I could have that again in a minute if I wanted it. I want a passionate, messy, can-I-really-love-anyone-this-scary-much relationship where the “security” is intricately woven into a constant hunger for one another’s being. That doesn’t mean I want to be glued to someone’s hip 24/7. But it does mean being a significant part of each other’s lives – and wanting to be.

I understand there are those who feel that a D/s relationship should be a separate issue from love. I can’t do that. In order for me to be someone’s sub I need to be able to rely on them for emotional strength. I need to be able to invest my heart and know it is going to be cared for at the same level the rest of me is. My heart flows out of my service and submission. And I need to receive a return on that investment.

I don’t want to be needed. I want to be wanted, all of me, the real me. And as much as I know I can take care of myself, I need Someone to pour myself out on, to, for. There is a struggle constantly within me between fear that I may never know this passionate, messy love that I crave and hope that my Master is waiting in the next chapter.