Gone

He made me feel like i was enough.

And then He made me feel like i was too much.

And it’s over in a moment.

Scared

The other night something happened. A door I didn’t know existed, covered in cobwebs and shadow, got cracked open. And I’m scared to peek further inside. We were playing and as we began he asked/told me to call him daddy. At first it was exciting and sexy because it was new – a form of role-playing in my mind. But then it wasn’t. I transitioned into it deeply. And I had a hard time transitioning out after. My mentor says I need to let that door open. I never got to experience girly affection and youthful promiscuity, never had that feeling of being protected by another. I am scared for 2 reasons. 1) If that is an aspect of myself it is completely foreign territory that I’ve never even considered exploring. I am clueless. But then again, I’ve had to be an “adult” since I was around 8-10. 2) I am already too attached to this man and I think this will make that even more so, to the point I will find it painfully difficult to detach. I’m so confused.

Catching Up…

My divorce should be final this week. I have packed this weekend full of activities with friends and my almost-adult children, not to be distractions but to remind me that I have a life on the other side of this situation. Imagine just for a moment that you have been separated for a year but because of financial constraints you have had to continue to live together… and will continue to live together as a divorced couple until the house you co-own sells. Yeah… Still here… I will say that we are as amicable and cooperative as we can be. His passive-aggressive attacks are rare now; he has begun to move on finally.

I still write a daily positivity report to Domly Dom and he comments a few days a week but that’s it. It saddens me a little that the healthier I’ve become in my thoughts and the more I’ve become confident in who I am and what I want to be as a submissive the less he is engaged. Perhaps he only likes the broken ones, or at least the challenge of fixing them. I think he is a strong, honest, intelligent Dom and I saw him as someone I would willingly kneel before. But it’s not to be.

The Cowboy and I continue to be good friends. He has let me cry in his shoulder a few times as I walked thru this final process.

Spanky… He’s the real problem. We play almost every week. We text each other daily. He’s direct and honest and at moments when he thinks no one is looking he is sweet. I agreed to just be play partners when this started… I’m scared shitless to tell him I would like to be more, because I could lose what I have now – and he is content with it. My heart doesn’t seem to understand that. 

It’s Been A While…

Rather than play catchup today I will save that for another time. But I have been trying to put some thoughts together, and would like to share them: 

I have learned more about myself in these past several years than the 40 before. Accepting and embracing my desire to submit, serve and give myself to another has impacted me in both devastating and life-affirming ways. It resulted in closing a chapter in my life I was not expecting to ever close – but in retrospect should have been a very long time ago. It also left me reflecting deeply on what I want and need in a partner/Dom.

I don’t want a nice, neat bowl of vanilla security. I had that and I was unbearably unhappy. I could have that again in a minute if I wanted it. I want a passionate, messy, can-I-really-love-anyone-this-scary-much relationship where the “security” is intricately woven into a constant hunger for one another’s being. That doesn’t mean I want to be glued to someone’s hip 24/7. But it does mean being a significant part of each other’s lives – and wanting to be.

I understand there are those who feel that a D/s relationship should be a separate issue from love. I can’t do that. In order for me to be someone’s sub I need to be able to rely on them for emotional strength. I need to be able to invest my heart and know it is going to be cared for at the same level the rest of me is. My heart flows out of my service and submission. And I need to receive a return on that investment.

I don’t want to be needed. I want to be wanted, all of me, the real me. And as much as I know I can take care of myself, I need Someone to pour myself out on, to, for. There is a struggle constantly within me between fear that I may never know this passionate, messy love that I crave and hope that my Master is waiting in the next chapter.  

 

A Great Year So Far

So here we are 6 weeks into 2015! Let me catch you up to date:

Domly Dom is still in the picture and still my favorite. He is my mentor and coach, but too far away to play. There’s so much to like about him. I’m still hoping when my separation is final he will ramp it up. He’s given me freedom to have 2 orgasms a week as I chose. He also has me create a short list each week of things to accomplish as part of moving forward on my separation and being on my own.

The Cowboy and I enjoy a great friendship. I tell him everything – everything. I told him he is the only person I’ve never lied to about anything and it’s true. He’s so handsome, deep voice, blue eyes, great hugs, and since he tells me how he likes to play I’m pretty sure he’s great there too. We meet for lunch or coffee at least every other week, often enough the waiter automatically brings me coffee when she sees us now. His primary sub is planning to move this summer and he agreed not to play with others until then. But that’s ok, because…

Spanky Dom is here! Yes, a new player and yes we play! Domly Dom encouraged it in fact, either to help me keep moving forward or to keep me from exploding. The first time was spontaneous while I was visiting him for a more platonic reason. He started teasing me with a spanking and I kinda let myself go with it. We’ve played 3 times now and it’s hot. He is rough, demanding, he bites, he spanks hard, he binds me and uses toys, fucks hard, throws me around the bed if he wants a different position – then wraps me in these huge arms and holds me close for an hour. During the week he texts me several times a day friendly msgs and asking how my day is going. I’m liking the attention.

Let’s not forget the one 2,100 miles away who pops in about every 3 weeks asking if I’m ready to come visit… I still like him and that could be quite an adventure!

All of this sounds like I’m happy with casual play and attention where ever I can get it. That’s not entirely true. It is still my deepest desire to find a Master who wants me for His own. My physical needs are being met, my need to feel desired is being met, my need for guidance and discipline and submission is being met – just at the minimum levels and by different people. But I still believe my King is out there.

Journaling

Domly Dom asked me to write a positivity journal each day. It is a regular journal but knowing I am going to report all I do and my attitude about it to someone helps me stay focused on controlling my attitude (rather than allowing my circumstances or others to control it.) but I haven’t written to you dear readers in a long time so I think I should catch you up.

It’s been 6 months since hubby and I separated – mind you, that is a separation of conscious more than anything at this point. Our house still hasn’t sold so we still live together with our kids. We still make a lot of everyday decisions together out of necessity. Our social lives are independent. We have separate rooms. Our family and close friends know, but until we live separately we are keeping it private to the general public. Most days he is polite and amicable; other days he is not. But honestly, if I did not have Domly Dom as a mentor to help me thru this I would probably return the aggressive and angry words in kind. But what would it benefit me or my kids?

I have built some truly wonderful friendships with a few people in my local kink community. I feel very much loved and accepted there. I wish I could be as open and honest within some of my longer term friendships. But I have a “Me Circle” that lets me cry on a shoulder when I need it.

Back to Domly Dom – I have one huge challenge with continuing to move forward with Him: communication. His communication with me is limited these days to once a day on average, often a comment on my journal. This hurts because I don’t know why He has gone from multiple times a day to almost none. Yes, I am going to ask Him. Yes, I am worried He has lost interest and just hadn’t told me yet. Part of me doesn’t want to know as a result, but even on my best day it nags at my consciousness. Then I will get a msg out of the blue – always short but sweet or sexy or encouraging.

The rest of my interested few have disappeared. Which is fine; I have my hands full getting my current situation in order.

I am…

I am gorgeous and amazing.
I am intelligent and wise.
I have common sense.
I am a strong person.
I love fiercely.
I am a prostrate queen in search of a King who deserves and values my humility, Who will see me as His most valued and honored possession.
In return I will increase Him in love, health, pleasure, spirit and wisdom, because that is what I am made to do – to give all I have of myself for Another.
My King’s only regret will be that He did not find me sooner.

Now I learn patience.

Top 5 Self-Sabotaging Habits to Quit Right Now

Paper to Use

First, a self-sabotaging habit is a recurring behavior that takes us in the opposite direction of fulfillment and happiness. Knowing this, you’d think all of us would simply stop.And when you can’t seem to get yourself to simply do that, seek education and guidance. You’ll need it. When you just cannot keep yourself from doing things that cause you harm, then you need more information and guidance.With that, here are the top 5 self-sabotaging habits we’ve been helping people (and ourselves) overcome – and what we’ve learned by working with 150+ people in the last month.

1. Procrastination

We’ve been surprised at how many people are dealing with procrastination!

So, you have some important yet not-so-enjoyable things on your to-do list? Wisdom says “get it done!” Then, you are free to enjoy your time doing other stuff, right?

When you procrastinate, you might be telling yourself that you’d rather be…

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Gratitude

Domly Dom and I had a very nice phone conversation yesterday afternoon. It means a lot to me that we can talk about more than sex, more than kink, that we can joke and He makes me laugh out loud. I like that I am becoming more and more comfortable talking to Him, not just “in writing.” And He called Himself my Master-Coach. I kinda like that.

Near the end of our call He got serious for a moment. He wanted to tell me that He was grateful – to me.

He told me that He was grateful I had allowed Him to help me to move forward with this continuing transition in my life, to help me overcome the things that had blocked my freedom to be who I want to be.

It left me speechless and choked up. I have told Him thank you more than once for being here, for walking me thru this sometimes painful process, for letting me be honest and open. But hearing Him say that with such sincerity… Well, what could I say?

New (Old) Lesson

No one in my 40+ years on this earth has ever let me (even required me) to be honest, open, and share all my wants and needs – with no fear of being berated, made fun of, or treated like there’s something wrong with me.

Until Domly Dom. And it’s so silly what I fucked up on. No problem telling Him I like being gagged or tied up or fucked til I’m sore. It was telling Him I want (even need) more communication from Him. I self-deprecated rather than just being direct and honest, using humor to avoid being rejected.

I didn’t consciously realize what I did, but the next morning I sent an honest and direct request for it. So part of me knew…

But then He called me. Gave me instructions that put me in an immediate submissive mindset. And then, ugh, one gentle question at a time He made me see it. My stumble backwards. Of course I started to cry. But I also have learned that He won’t tolerate sitting in my mess. It’s done, over. Time to move forward. He knew exactly what words to say to help me do that (how does He do that?!) I floated thru my day rather than wallowing in it.

I started my day out in submission – and I was beautiful.